 Guy number 5 He is the one I only liked 4 guys Authentically guy number 4 I’m hung up on I’m hanging with Guy number 3 today But guy number 5 See if I can get over Guy number 3 I was close friends Coworkers and completely In love with for over a year I can let go of number 4 I CAN and Will let go again ... Is the one I long for The one I don’t know Idk .... It’s rare to find attraction The natural spark It takes an emotional pull For me to fall for you I want to marry Only with this kind of ora of alignment. So guy number 4 What a tragedy I Made every error in the book With guy number 4 I was negative, disparate and needy I seem to talk about my problems And talk too much around him I also over texted him I did these things Out of unrational emotion self seeking insecurity Tbh I still am this person .. I want to learn from guy number 4 To never do these things With guy number 5 This is all apart of the plan Preparing for our vocations Takes a life time It takes 8 years for a priest To be ordained in the seminary Same goes for marriage Little do we know Everything we do leads up To this very important Life committed vocation All this heartbreak Error and problems Are all designed to Lead to the final countdown Guy number 5! I know he will mend My broken pieces It will all make sense with him Christ is my healer This guy won’t be there to heal me But I absolutely trust When he pursues me And gears align Tears will decline He will fix the broken pieces Of a long suffering broken heart Guy number 5.. I love u 
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 If your striving to be a saint
Wouldn’t you want to know What you’d be the patron for !? We all have patterns Life’s repetitive trials Well mine seems to be Rejection so I would most likely be the patron saint of rejection I would gladly enjoy spending my heaven interceding for souls suffering in a trial of rejection Through deep meditative prayer I felt in my heart Jesus clear up some things Like If he said “You internally became my Secret victim for rejection “ I been rejected in many ways American idol Would have to be the more of the traumatic events faced Nothing can take back millions of strangers See you fail with what you love most I havnt been the same since Due to unusual symptoms I would say I suffer with a minor Form of PTSD when it comes to failing In small daily situations I don’t deal well with rejection I have trouble sleeping and even find myself loose my breath to breathe I cry many tears of dis functional insecurity But I laugh and smile a lot to cover it up I suffer terribly with the pattern of Trial and error Rejection after rejection I sometimes feel like Surviving isn’t worth it I’m only living out of selfless love For Jesus My life is nothing but a Walking trauma A rejected soul for Christ Ask my closest friend And they can be my witness I fully accept This is Gods will be done Catholic priests are my only remedy I take spiritual direction in confessional booths and scheduled appointments where the Shepards of the Lord shower me with understanding and hope Thanks be to God The Lord gives only what we can handle I love when our Lord relieves my unbearable burden this cross of rejection based on circumstances and repetitive situations may just be a constant obsession and warped perception maybe I crippled my own cross maybe it was given to me whatever carpentry built this heavy wood rejection I decide to carry it with courage  Broken Heart Syndrome
is this a real thing where symptoms of a heartache begin to arrise trouble sleeping chest pains unsteady heartbeats sinking heart drops of constant fear rapid anxiety this tends to be a thing females are more prone to catch from traumatic events that emotionally stir up our spaghetti Brains I never thought I would experience such a thing but my character has slowly woven its way to this point I am broken I mustn't be ashamed to face it feeling so unsure of oneself for so long can interrogate the workings of a healthy mindset but then I think of existence breathe in, breathe out you are alive why am I alive cause the creator chose me why should I choose how to exist myself sounds selfish Jesus Christ, my Lord and my love Father, Son and Holy Ghost I want to live for Him I exist because of Him so why do I need my heart's desires all my interests and plans just the way I hoped this truly isn't my life to live I want my life so only Christ lives through me A vessel A vessel from heaven is what I am living my way will produce zero fruit 'for the kingdom of God cause God knows how selfish I can be maybe I would spiritually loose Him if I got what I wanted my life in its state on this day January 8, 2020 It just consists of Jesus giving me a 24/7 hug to keep the shattered pieces of my doubtful spirit from collapsing this is great! this is more then wonderful ! how can existing be nothing but an absolute joy if this is reality so what? I'm not married or living my best life or I have to let go of the guy I really hoped for if my music dreams bit the dust or if i'm not laughing all the time feeling alive in consolation im still alive in the mist of pain numbness and desolate despair because God anointed me in this state if I try my best to trust Him if I smile through it all Im living my best life I asked to suffer my purgatory debt here time to embrace an answered prayer my existence .... is real I owe it all anyway  Veiling A beautiful surrender for Jesus At first I was unsure But when you first Start attending Latin Mass And veil for Jesus You feel Humble You feel sacred There is a comfort of holiness and safety Iike your in a little cocoon with our Lord But it has took on a test of trust  I struggle with veiling when it’s Outside the element of Latin Mass Being out of place and standing Out Is never easy Veiling at a novos ordo or in adoration Has been a constant sacrifice At first I felt at peace, knowing it was Easier to pray in a holy reverent manner But now I feel the need for rhetoric To make peace with not distracting the norm Every Catholic women vealer May differ on opinion On comfortability on what Helps them spiritually Some may see veiling As you trying to appear holier then others Causing holy pride It’s quite the opposite You want to tame your pride And completely gain humility  In my state in life My insecurity has got the best of me Through my emotional state of healing I must remain hidden And cause the least amount of attention as Possible So I choose to veil only when attending the Latin mass  Veiling at Latin Mass Is my detachment of riding everything of this world Where I contemplate all of heaven I will always feel still with this Traditional practice It’s where Jesus reveals His loveliness Veiling My peaceful but sacrificial surrender Of a life time I wonder if women wear veils When facing the Beatific Vision And praising the Trinity in Eternity I guess we will have to find out !?       2015: age 23Age Is it just a number Or is it a factor in existence Does it actually make a difference when relating to others ? Time Changes our perceptions We are either headed up hill or down But if we choose a wise path We will find ourselves Growing in character as we age Maybe age makes us more confident Maybe less adventurous Maybe more practical Whatever it is It’s not just a number It’s a factor in our everyday connections But would if You feel like you missed the boat The years kept rolling The age kept growing But nothing quite changed Or felt like everything changed But u still remain the same I look back at pics in my young 20s I feel the same but so different I wish I can freeze my age I wish somehow I can stop time And be capable to relate To all my young friends All the early 20 year old ppl I feel the same but completely different Upper 20s a few years plays a factor Does more time on this earth actually make a difference in growing In experience In compatibility I’m afraid so I guess i never felt so ashamed Of my age till this year I can pretend all I want to be 21 But you can’t actually believe it Time played a part And changed everything  Age 23 2014: Age 22 I Never want to get angry
Or bitter Because everything that Happens to me If I choose to live in the state of grace Happens for the opportunity of sainthood Pain and sorrow Allows us to give offering Events that didn’t go our way Allows us to deny our fleshy desires I look back and smile Happiness overwhelms me In the midst of no worldly gain All my tears Are collected up in heaven All my prayers Remain in a bundle The abundance still awaits Whether it’s on this earth or not Whether my prayers are answered I know everything that happened Calls me to be a great saint If I react in virtue And acceptance I Accept my burdens My past My rejections My embarrassments My humiliations And persecutions Cause you can’t be a saint Without suffering I’m aiming at mastering The virtue of mortification Where smiling takes place in suffering  We don’t control the variables
The cards we are dealt In case you haven’t noticed Our Lord likes to prune us maybe so we can choose To become a saint through These piercing trials But the trials seem to be Beyond our limited capacity I would like to share the story The story of my white martyrdom This isn’t the part about my American Idol nationwide rejection This is the part about my constant Ache of heartbreak My yearning of vocation My lingering hopeless cases So let us relate To the Mother of sorrow When Simeon told mama She would become a victim Her whole life with her precious baby boy She realized Her despair was an acceptance I came to accept My despair as well See it’s hard to share Cause for me It’s Extremely embarrassing And unbearably heavy That is if it wasn’t for mama ( Mother of God) See I’m under her mantle Through a consecration prayer So I know I’m her slave Somehow it will all make sense later So The despair for vocation Marriage True Love... Gods predestined soulmate See I’m not sure if I quite believe in this Beautiful romance of fate Cause it doesn’t seem to be my reality There is a pattern of rejection Year after year Maybe our Lord Gives us these patterns to foreshadow our future, to get us ready for what heavy cross there is to face So the cross goes like this I have liked a lot of men in my life Infatuation attachments I should call it See cute boy, think he’s is potential love, don’t get a chance to know him than he’s Gone This seems a bit drastic But my brain works on extremes I’m not open to giving every guy I see a chance and a try on a little dinner date I’m either extremely into you or I’m not In some ways it seems like more of a curse then a blessing That hardest part about it Is taking the female role Praying and waiting Hoping and wishing Just this one will fight for me Not to sound negative For I know this is a weakness in my perceptions But No one has ever came around to fight for me Am I not pretty Am I not good enough I have constant anxiety and depression Through it all So I came to except this despair That the ones I yearn for In my heart Won’t come around This is very rare for me to find At the age 27 There has only been 4 boys I Have unrationally and authentically fell for I always say “ but this ones diff” “ He must feel the same way I feel if my feelings are this strong .. he will come around “ I guess love on this earth Is more practical then I thought The gears have to align both have to be ready.. perfect timing But “ realistically compatible” It breaks me to believe Love has to be realistic I wanted rare I wanted heartfelt At this point in my life I feel like I’m doing this all wrong How do I open up ? How do I let go of this rareness ? If it will never be receptive This is my cross Accepting healing Accepting reality Let’s bring it back to our Queen of heaven When Mary conceived Jesus Think about how Joseph reacted HE RAN! He did not believe her It took an angel in a dream to wake him Up to reality But what did Mary do Did she sit there and pout That she wouldn’t have a husband To guide her through the most Magnificent birth on earth No I’m guessing she looked up and smiled And said “ Gods will be done “ “ I am the handmaid of the Lord May it be done to me according to your will” So this is what I must do Right now my future husband Must be Joseph Taking his good old time So I must look up like mama “ hear I am ? “  My whole Life
I loved our Lord, Jesus in the universal church started in 33 A.D. but something changed I can't seem to grasp on if it's exciting or terrifying good or bad black or white happy or sad a transformation to a deeper truth past roots began to arise knowledge of ancient teachings there's a historical reverence I can't seem to ignore a recognition of Deity and creation the presence of the Blessed Mother overwhelms my awareness .....Latin Mass something about the Gregorian chant modest attire veiling exspecially....kneeling for Holy Communion its a feeling of flushing out all sin of uncomfortable humility of dying to the entire human flesh. ... what an adjustment what a sacrifice what a Martyrdom !!!!! seems to be the theme in all my blogs huh .. my heart feels home at this mass I feel the glimpse of heaven an out of this world surrender but my heart yearns for more I still don't know why the push back the uncomfortable emotional contrast because my old self misses me just a bit I need to find what this missing piece is nothing is easy about digging deeper in truth the more you seem to know the higher the trials seem to pile on deck But Christ didn't put me here to be Luke warm He showed me His truth cause He knew I could handle it Its a bittersweet sacrifice the Catholic divide my heart yearns to break the bondage of this split those who are Catholic know what Im talking about the two masses in Roman Rite Both share Jesus in his holy Eucharist The Blessed Mother in her most Holy Rosary same church right.. but why doesn't it feel the same I wish life didn't get complicated I don't just feel the divide.. I see it with the youth young people here, young people there but there's a divide almost like two separate religions where did we go wrong ? |