JESSICA WHITELY MARTYRDOM SURRENDER
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selfless blood shed

Guy #5

1/15/2020

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Guy number 5
He is the one 
I only liked 4 guys 
Authentically 
 guy number 4
I’m hung up on 
I’m hanging with 
Guy number 3 today 
But guy number 5
See if I can get over 
Guy number 3
I was close friends 
Coworkers and completely 
In love with for over a year 
I can let go of number 4
I CAN and Will let go again ...
Is the one I long for 
The one I don’t know 
Idk ....


It’s rare to find  attraction 
The natural spark 
It takes an emotional pull 
For me to fall for you 
I want to marry
Only with  this  
kind of ora of alignment. 


So guy number 4
What a tragedy 
I Made every error in the book
With guy number 4
I was negative, disparate and needy
I seem to talk about my problems
And talk too much around him 
I also over texted him 
I did these things
Out of unrational emotion 
self seeking  insecurity 
Tbh I still am this person ..
I want to learn from guy number 4
To never do these things 
With guy number 5
This is all apart of the plan 




Preparing for our vocations
Takes a life time 
It takes 8 years for a priest 
To be ordained in the seminary 
Same goes for marriage 
Little do we know 
Everything we do leads up 
To this very important
Life committed  vocation 
All this heartbreak 
Error and problems 
Are all designed to 
Lead to the final countdown 


Guy number 5!
I know he will mend 
My broken pieces 
It will all make sense with him 
Christ is my healer 
This guy won’t be there to heal me 
But I absolutely trust 
When he pursues me 
And gears align 
Tears will decline 
He will fix the broken pieces 
Of a long suffering broken heart 
Guy number 5.. I love u 
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Saint of rejection

1/12/2020

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If your striving to be a saint 
Wouldn’t you want to know 
What you’d be the patron for !? 
We all have patterns 
Life’s repetitive trials 
Well mine seems to be 
Rejection 
so I would most likely 
be the patron

saint of rejection 
​
​I would gladly enjoy
​spending my heaven 
interceding for souls
​suffering in a trial of rejection 
 


Through deep meditative prayer 
I felt in my heart 
Jesus clear up some things 
Like If he said 
“You internally became my 
Secret victim for rejection “
I been rejected in many ways 
American idol 
Would have to be the more of the traumatic events faced
Nothing can take back millions of strangers 
See you fail with what you love most 
I havnt been the same since 
Due to unusual symptoms 
I would say I suffer with a minor 
Form of PTSD  
when it comes to failing 
In small daily situations 
I don’t deal well with rejection 
I have trouble sleeping and even find myself loose my breath to breathe 
I cry many tears of dis functional insecurity 
But I laugh and smile a lot to cover it up 
I suffer terribly with the pattern of 
Trial and error 
Rejection after rejection 
I sometimes feel like 
Surviving isn’t worth it 
I’m only living out of selfless love 
For Jesus 
My life is nothing but a
Walking trauma 
A rejected soul for Christ 
Ask my closest friend 
And they can be my witness 
I fully accept 
This is Gods will be done 

​Catholic priests are my only remedy 
​I take spiritual direction in 
​confessional booths and scheduled appointments
where the Shepards of the Lord
shower me with understanding and hope
Thanks be to God 
The Lord gives only what we can handle 
I love when our Lord 
relieves my unbearable burden 

this cross of rejection 
based on circumstances
and repetitive situations 
may just be 
a constant obsession 
and warped perception 
maybe  I crippled my own cross 
maybe it was given to me 
whatever carpentry built this heavy wood
​rejection 
I decide to carry it with courage


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Existence

1/8/2020

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Broken Heart Syndrome 
is this a real thing 
where symptoms of a heartache
begin to arrise
trouble sleeping 
chest pains 
unsteady heartbeats
sinking heart drops
of constant fear
rapid anxiety

this tends to be a thing 
females are more prone to catch 
from traumatic events 
that emotionally stir up
our spaghetti Brains 

I never thought I would experience 
such a thing 
but my character has slowly woven 
its way to this point 
I am broken 
I mustn't be ashamed to face it
feeling so unsure of oneself 
for so long 
can interrogate
the  workings of a healthy mindset

but then I think of existence 
breathe in, breathe out
you are alive
why am I alive
cause the creator chose me 
why should I choose how to exist myself 
sounds selfish


Jesus Christ, my Lord and my love
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
I want to live for Him 
I exist because of Him

so why do I need
my heart's desires
all my interests and plans 
just the way I hoped

this truly isn't my life to live
I want my life so only 
 Christ lives through me 
A vessel 
A vessel from heaven is what I am 

living my way 
will produce zero fruit
'for the kingdom of God 
cause God knows how selfish I can be 
maybe I would spiritually loose Him
if I got what I wanted

my life in its state

on this day 
January 8, 2020 

It just consists 
of Jesus giving me a 24/7 hug
to keep the shattered pieces of
my doubtful spirit from collapsing 
​
this is great!
this is more then wonderful !
how can existing be nothing 
but an absolute joy 
if this is reality 


so what? I'm not married 
or living my best life 
or I have to let go of
the guy I really hoped for 
if my music dreams bit the dust
or if i'm not laughing all the time 
feeling alive in consolation 

im still alive 
in the mist of pain
numbness and desolate despair 
because God anointed me in this state
if  I try my best to trust Him 
if I smile through it all 
Im living my best life 
I asked to suffer my purgatory debt here
time to embrace an answered prayer
my existence .... is real
I owe it all anyway

 





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vieling

1/6/2020

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Veiling 
A beautiful surrender for Jesus 
At first I was unsure 
But when you first 
Start attending Latin Mass
And veil for Jesus 
You feel
Humble 
You feel sacred 
There is a comfort of holiness  and safety
Iike your in a little cocoon with our Lord 
But it has took on
a test of trust 


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I struggle with veiling when it’s 
Outside the element of Latin Mass
Being out of place and standing Out
Is never easy 
Veiling at a novos ordo or in adoration 
Has been a constant sacrifice 
At first I felt at peace, knowing it was 
Easier to pray in  a holy reverent manner 
But now I feel the need for rhetoric 
To make peace 
with not distracting the norm 
Every Catholic women vealer
 May differ on opinion 
On comfortability
 on what Helps them spiritually 
Some may see veiling 
As you trying to appear holier then others
Causing holy pride 
It’s quite the opposite 
You want to tame your pride 
And completely gain humility
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In my state in life 
My insecurity has got the best of me 
Through my emotional state of healing 
I must remain hidden 
And cause the least amount of attention as Possible 
So I choose to veil only when attending the Latin mass 
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Veiling at Latin Mass 
Is my detachment of riding 
everything  of this world 
Where I contemplate all of heaven 
I will always feel still with this 
Traditional practice 
It’s where Jesus reveals His loveliness
 Veiling 
My peaceful but sacrificial surrender 
Of a life time 
I wonder if women wear veils 
When facing the Beatific  Vision
And praising the Trinity in Eternity  
I guess we  will have to find out !?
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time or Age

1/6/2020

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2015: age 23

Age
Is it just a number
Or is it a factor in existence 
Does it actually make a difference
when relating to others ? 
Time 
Changes our perceptions 
We are either headed up hill or down 
But if we choose a wise path 
We will find ourselves 
Growing in character as we age
Maybe age makes us more confident 
Maybe less adventurous 
Maybe more practical 
Whatever it is 
It’s not just a number 
It’s a factor in our everyday connections 
But would if 
You feel like you missed the boat 
The years kept rolling 
The age kept growing 
But nothing quite changed 
Or felt like everything changed 
But u still remain the same 
I look back at pics in my young 20s
I feel the same but so different 
I wish I can freeze my age 
I wish somehow I can stop time 
And be capable to relate 
To all my young friends 
All the early 20 year old ppl 
I feel the same but completely different 
Upper 20s a few years plays a factor 
Does more time on this earth actually make a difference in growing 
In experience 
In compatibility 
I’m afraid so 
I guess i never felt so ashamed 
Of my age till this year 
I can pretend all I want to be 21 
But you can’t actually believe it 
Time played a part 
And changed everything  ​
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Age 23

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2014: Age 22

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Suffering with Smiles

1/5/2020

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I Never want to get angry
Or bitter 
Because everything that 
Happens to me 
If I choose to live in the state of grace
Happens for the opportunity of sainthood 
Pain and sorrow 
Allows us to give offering 
Events that didn’t go our way 
Allows us to deny our fleshy desires 
I look back and smile 
Happiness overwhelms me 
In the midst of no worldly gain 
All my tears
Are collected up in heaven 
All my prayers 
Remain in a bundle 
The abundance still awaits 
Whether it’s on this earth or not
Whether my prayers are answered 
I know everything that happened 
Calls me to be a great saint 
If I react in virtue 
And acceptance 
I Accept my burdens 
My past 
My rejections 
My embarrassments 
My humiliations 
And persecutions 
Cause you can’t be a saint 
Without suffering   
I’m aiming at mastering 
The virtue of mortification
Where smiling takes place in suffering 



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Yearning HeartBREAK

1/4/2020

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We don’t control the variables
The cards we are dealt 
In case you haven’t noticed
Our Lord likes to prune us 
maybe so we can choose 
To become a saint through 
These piercing trials 
 But the trials seem to be 
Beyond our limited capacity 
I would like to share the story 
The story of my white   martyrdom
This isn’t the part about my
American Idol nationwide rejection 
This is the part about my constant 
Ache of heartbreak 
My yearning of vocation 
My lingering hopeless cases
So let us relate 
To the Mother of sorrow
When Simeon told mama 
She would become a victim 
Her whole life with her precious baby boy 
She realized 
Her despair was an acceptance 
I came to accept 
My despair as well
See it’s hard to share 
Cause for me 
It’s Extremely embarrassing 
And unbearably heavy
That is  if it wasn’t for mama
( Mother of God)
See I’m under her mantle 
Through a consecration prayer
So I know I’m her slave 
Somehow it will all make sense later 
So
The despair for vocation 
Marriage 
True Love... Gods predestined soulmate 
See I’m not sure if I quite believe in this 
Beautiful romance of fate
Cause it doesn’t seem to be my reality 
There is a pattern of rejection 
Year after year 
Maybe our Lord 
Gives us these patterns to foreshadow our future, to get us ready for what heavy cross there is to face 
So the cross goes like this 
I have liked a lot of men in my life
Infatuation attachments I should call it 
See cute boy, think he’s is potential love, don’t get a chance to know him than he’s Gone 
This seems a bit drastic 
But my brain works on extremes 
I’m not open to giving every guy I see a chance and a try on a little dinner date 
I’m either extremely into you or I’m not 
In some ways it seems like more of a curse then a blessing 
That hardest part about it 
Is taking the female role 
Praying and  waiting 
Hoping and wishing 
Just this one will fight for me 
Not to sound negative 
For I know this is a weakness in my perceptions 
But No one has ever came around to fight for me 
Am I not pretty 
Am I not good enough 
I have constant anxiety and depression 
Through it all 
So I came to except this despair 
That the ones I yearn for In my heart
Won’t come around  
This is very rare for me to find 
At the age 27
There has only been 4 boys I 
Have unrationally    and authentically fell for
I always say “ but this ones diff” 
“ He must feel the same way I feel if my feelings are this strong .. he will come around “ 
I guess love on this earth 
Is more practical then I thought 
The gears have to align
 both have to be ready.. 
perfect timing
But “  realistically  compatible” 
It breaks me to believe 
Love has to be realistic 
I wanted rare
I wanted heartfelt 
At this point in my life 
I feel like I’m doing this all wrong 
How do I open up ?
How do I let go of this rareness ?
If it will never be receptive 
This is my cross 
Accepting healing 
Accepting reality 


Let’s bring it back to our Queen of heaven 
When Mary conceived Jesus 
Think about how Joseph reacted 
HE RAN! 
He did not believe her 
It took an angel in a dream to wake him 
Up to reality 
But what did Mary do 
Did she sit there and pout 
That she wouldn’t have a husband 
To guide her through the most 
Magnificent birth on earth 
No 
I’m guessing she looked up and smiled 
And said “ Gods will be done “
“ I am the handmaid of the Lord 
May it be done to me according to your will”


So this is what I must do 
Right now my future husband 
Must be Joseph 
Taking his good old time 
So I must look up like mama 
“ hear I am ? “ ​

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catholic divide

1/4/2020

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My whole Life 
I loved our Lord, Jesus 
in the universal church started in 33 A.D.

but something changed 
I can't seem to grasp on if it's
exciting or terrifying 
good or bad
black or white
happy or sad

a transformation to a deeper truth
past roots began to arise
knowledge of ancient teachings

there's a historical reverence
I can't seem to ignore
a recognition of Deity and creation 
the presence of the Blessed Mother
overwhelms my awareness

.....Latin Mass
something about the Gregorian chant 
modest attire
veiling 
exspecially....kneeling for Holy Communion 


its a feeling  of flushing  out all sin 
 of uncomfortable humility 
of dying to the entire human flesh.

...
what an adjustment 
what a sacrifice 

​what a Martyrdom !!!!!
seems to be the theme 
in all my blogs huh
..
my heart feels home 
at this mass
I feel the glimpse of heaven
an out of this world surrender

but
my heart yearns for more 
I still don't know why 
the push back 
the uncomfortable emotional contrast 

because my old self misses me 
just a bit 
I need to find what this missing piece is 


nothing is easy about digging deeper in truth 
the more you seem to know 
the higher the trials seem to pile on deck

But Christ didn't put me here
to be Luke warm
He showed me His truth 
cause He knew I could handle it 

Its a bittersweet sacrifice 
the Catholic divide
my heart yearns to break the bondage of this split

those who are Catholic know what Im talking about 

the two masses
​in Roman Rite

Both share Jesus in his holy Eucharist
The Blessed Mother in her most Holy Rosary
same church right..


but why doesn't it feel the same 
I wish life didn't get complicated

I don't just feel the divide.. I see it 
with the youth 
young people here, young people there 
but there's a divide 
almost like two separate religions 


where did we go wrong ?




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    Jessica Whitely

    I want to be a saint.

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